Graveside - PewDieCry
by CaitPotate
Summary: Cry's world crashes down around him when his family and fiancé is killed in a tragic accident, and he is left alone in a cold and uncaring world. But is he truly alone? Will he see that one person, his best friend, would give his own life to see Cry smile again, just once? Or will it all be too late for him?
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer**_

_Okay, I just want to clarify that all the YouTubers that make appearances in this (or any) of my fanfictions are not based on the real people and I do not own any of them (lol). If any of said YouTubers happen upon any of my fanfictions, I apologise if they dislike the way I have portrayed them. However, this is an entirely fictional story. Every element of my fanfictions are 100% fictional, and I never have (and never will) claim that my characters reflect their real life counterparts, nor are their pasts or current lives reflective of what the real people have gone through in any way. I apologise if I cause offence to any of you; I think you deserve the utmost respect for what you do. I admire all of you greatly, and I'll forever be grateful for all the difficult times you've gotten me through with you YouTube videos. There is no reason, however, to take offense to my writing, as none of it is based on the real you._

_Thank you_

_~ Tom Flemming_

_**Author's Note**_

_Hey bros! I'm writing another Fanfiction. This one will be quite a lot shorter than my other story (it'll probably end up being pretty long anyway), and it has a very different mood. It actually originated from a short story I had to write for English and, because I'm terrible at writing short stories, I decided I wanted to extend it into a longer story so I could develop the plot and characters properly and such. I hope you all enjoy the new story, let me know what you think in the review section. I have no idea how frequent the updates will be, though I'm not doing school anymore so they'll probably be more organised. Also, almost the entire story will be from Cry's point of view. I'll mention that at the start of this chapter, but I'll probably leave it out in future instalments. _

_Anyway, enjoy!_

**Chapter 1**

**Cry's POV**

My eyes were brimming with tears as I gazed out the passenger side window of the car, the scenery whizzing past in a blur of colour. If you'd told me a week ago that I'd be on my way to my family's funeral instead of my engagement party I'd laughed in your face… and probably called you crazy. This whole day was crazy. My breath caught in my throat and I bit back a sob as I thought of my amazing fiancé.

Her name was Alice, I called her Allie, and she was the most beautiful person I'd ever laid eyes on. I took my wallet out of my pocket and took out the picture of us I carried with me. Her golden blonde hair shone in the orange light of the sunset, perpetually locked in a perfect vision of mirth. Her full, smiling lips were glossed with a soft pink and her emerald green eyes were framed by naturally thick, dark eyelashes. A deep red beanie was pulled over her ears and a black scarf was wrapped around her neck. She gazed at me lovingly as she laughed and I grinned back at her, infatuation radiating from my expression. She'd fallen over her skis the afternoon after that photo had been taken. It was also the day I'd proposed to Allie. I'd taken her to stay at a ski resort in the mountains, with a little help with the planning from my friend, Felix.

**Flashback.**

"I can't believe I fell." Allie sighed, gingerly pressing an icepack to her cheek. "You must think I'm an idiot." I chuckled and pulled her close, gently brushing my lips over her healthy cheek.

"I never had any doubts." I teased, winking at my beloved. "I didn't need to see you trip over your skis as proof." She gasped in mock horror and beat her fist against my chest playfully. I laughed and squeezed her tighter, kissing her forehead.

"You know I'm joking." I laughed. "I love you."

"I love you too, Ryan." She murmured, smiling up at me. I was so in love with this woman. We'd been dating for three years now, and had been living together for two. My stomach knotted as my mind turned to the ring hidden away in the pocket of my jeans. This was it, today was the today. I was going to ask this brilliant woman to marry me.

"Sit down." I said softly, gesturing to the plush sofa facing the crackling fire. "I'll go get us some champagne." Allie gave me soft kiss on the lips, sending tingles running through my body, and did as I asked. I watched as she curled up in the corner of the couch, drawing her knees to her chest and pressing the ice pack back to her bruising face. I smiled to myself and sauntered across the large room to the trolley that the champagne and some sweet pastries had been brought to our room on. I poured us each a glass and slipped the ring out of my pocket. I turned it around in my hands, being careful to keep it out of Allie's view. I had to admit, Felix had an eye for jewellery. I'd had no clue which ring to buy her, in fact I'd been completely overwhelmed by the selection the jewellery store had to offer. Felix, however, had stridden straight over to the display and picked out three rings he thought Allie would like, and I picked from that. The one I'd bought was perfect. It was a simple silver band with a cluster of tiny diamonds that created a delicate little lily that was surrounded by more stones so tiny they almost looked like glitter set along the band.

I bit my lip nervously and gently closed my fist around the ring. I picked up the glasses of champagne and took them back over to Allie. She thanked me as I handed her a glass and sat down beside her. I couldn't help but stare as she carefully sipped the drink. She noticed my stare and blushed.

"What are you looking at?" She teased, poking her tongue out at me.

"Nothing in particular." I smirked. "Just the love of my life." Allie's eyes widened and she smiled embarrassedly, biting her bottom lip. Her cheeks turned an even deeper shade of scarlet. I grinned at her cheekily and sipped my champagne, restlessly fiddling with the engagement ring I hid in my balled fist. Allie noticed me fidgeting and laid a hand on mine, a concerned frown wrinkling her brow.

"What is it, dear?" She asked. A loving smile crept onto my face and I leaned forward to peck her cheek. She gave me a small smile and I took a deep breath; if I didn't do this now I'd never sum up the courage. I got to my feet and placed my glass on the end table positioned to the side of the couch. Steeling myself, I turned to kneel before my beautiful girlfriend. Her eyes widened in shock as I took her free hand in mine, and her body became taught. I cleared my throat.

"Alice Delroy… Allie, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and in the three years we've been together I've found myself falling more and more in love with you as each day goes by." I paused for a moment, trying to calm my nerves a bit. I produced the ring from its hiding place in my palm and Allie's eyes widened even further. She was trembling slightly and she was biting her lip so hard it looked as if it might be torn off. Her brilliant green eyes were brimming with tears as she gazed at the diamond ring. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Allie. You make me so happy… Would you do me the honour, uh… that's so corny… Will you marry me, Allie?" Without warning Allie leapt off the couch, throwing her arms around me. Champagne was splashed across my back and onto the carpet in her excitement; she'd forgotten she was still holding the glass.

"Yes! Oh my gosh, Ryan!" She squealed, hugging me so hard I could barely breathe. "Of _course_ I'll marry you. Oh my _gosh_, I can't believe this is happening." I disentangled her arms from my neck and she rocked back on her heels, almost exploding with excitement. I laughed elatedly and slipped the ring onto her finger, my heart soared when it fit her slender hand perfectly. She had one hand clasped over her gaping mouth as she gazed at the ring, turning it so the diamonds sparkled in the fire light.

"Oh gosh, Ryan! I love you so much!" She cried, throwing her arms around me again. I laughed and wrapped my arms around my fiancé, squeezing her tightly and burying my face into her neck.

"I love you too." I murmured happily, my voice muffled by her cotton blouse. My eyes welled up with tears; I couldn't believe she said yes!

**Flashback End.**

A single tear trailed down my face and I brushed it away with the back of my hand. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. Felix looked at me concernedly from the driver's seat as we pulled up to the curb outside the church. I stared at the great stone building despondently. At any other time I'd have thought the building was beautiful with its pillared entrance and alcove stain glass windows but today it just seemed bone-chilling. I was lost in thought, gazing at the church, when Felix gently nudged me. I started slightly and whipped my head around to face him.

"Come on, Cry. It's time to go in." He said, managing a sad smile as he got out of the car. I numbly followed suit, letting him lead me to the row of hearses lined up in front of his car.

My eyes smarted again as I beheld the three hearses. Each contained a single coffin. They held my mother, my brother, and my fiancé. I'd lost them all. I was only twenty three and I was utterly alone. I stood dumbly as people bustled around me, preparing to carry the coffins into the church for the service. At a nudge from my friend Ken I moved forward to help. I was dimly aware that Ken wasn't wearing his bear beanie like he usually did in winter and a small voice in the back of mind decided that he looked out of place without it.

I was placed before my brother, Corey's coffin. The men around me set their hands upon the handles protruding from either side of the mahogany casket and prepared themselves to lift it. Felix stood directly across from me and he glanced at the handle in front of me expectantly, waiting for me to move. My breath caught in my throat as I gazed at the dark wood, my muscles refusing obey my commands. My hands began to tremble and soon my whole body was shaking, a few stray tears running down my face. I felt comforting hands clasp around my shoulders and lead me away from the procession, but I wasn't sure who they belonged to. All I could see were the cold, pale faces of my family.

_**Author's Note**_

_Hello again, bros. I hope you liked the first instalment of this new story. This first chapter is also going to be quite short – obviously – as I'm mostly just setting up the scene here. I also didn't want to have two flashbacks in one chapter. _

_Hopefully the next one should be up soon. As always, I love you bros. Bye :)_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Author's Note**_

_Hey bros. I've missed you guys. Sorry about the lack of updates lately. I have been going through a really difficult period and so I haven't had a lot of free time to write. And when I have had free time I haven't been in the right headspace to give you guys what you deserve; chapters written to the best of my abilities. However, I dropped out of school at the start of this week because reasons. So I have a substantial amount of time on my hands now. I'm hoping to get at least one chapter out a week but let's face it. So not going to happen._

_I love you guys so much, and your support means more to me than you'll ever know. _

_Enjoy._

**Flashback**

I took a few deep breaths and ran my fingers through my hair. I felt a reassuring squeeze on my arm and turned to see Felix giving me a weak smile. I forced one in return and went back to staring at the floor and trying to control my breathing. We were sitting in the waiting room of the hospital, waiting for the doctor to call us in to confirm that the bodies of my family were actually my family. To me the whole exercise seemed pointless; just another way to bring up the paralysing pain. They'd been found in the remains of my mother's house for Christ's sake. How could it not be them? I stifled a sob at the thought and scrunched my hair up in my fists, determined not to let Felix see me cry. I was jerked from my thoughts as the doctor emerged and called my name. I got to my feet and went to follow him, but was stopped as Felix grabbed my hand.

"Are you sure you want to do this? I can go in for you." He asked, concern written all over his face. I blanked out for a moment, my eyes welling up again.

"I'm sure. It'll be fine." I told him, dropping his hand and following the doctor. We walked down a few white walled corridors, and the doctor told us his name – Doctor Parkinson – and various details about my family's deaths. I tuned him out, withdrawing into my own mind as we walked. I looked up only once when Felix took my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. He went to let go when I didn't respond, but I kept a firm grip on his fingers, shooting him a pleading look. He tried to give me a reassuring smile, but it just seemed forced.

Soon enough we came to some double doors and Doctor Parkinson announced that we were here. He gave us a customary warning and pushed open the doors, and we followed him into the morgue. We were led past rows of tables laden with lumpy forms hidden beneath crisp white sheets until we reached my family. He asked me if I was okay to do this and I nodded firmly, adjusting my grip on Felix's hand. The doctor carefully pulled back the first sheet and my resolve was instantly shattered as I gazed at Allie's lifeless face. Her skin was whitish-blue and dappled with darker spots of purple and black, and there were burns covering her collarbone and left shoulder. I closed my eyes and turned away.

"That's her." I muttered sombrely. "That's Allie." The doctor wrote something on his clipboard and we moved onto the next table. I was barely able to confirm that it was my mother, her body was so burnt. Barely any of her face was free of scorch-marks, and her jaw and neck were blackened and cracked. Most of her hair was missing; a scorched section of skull was even visible on her scalp. The doctor laid a reassuring hand on my shoulder and led me to the next table. My breath caught in my throat; I didn't want to see my brother's corpse. Doctor Parkinson pulled back the sheet and a sob immediately escaped my lips. My brother's skin was marred with black and purple bruises and various burns. Most of his hair had been burned away and his lifeless, lidless eyes stared into oblivion. My body was racked with sobs and the doctor quickly covered Corey back up. Felix put an arm around my shoulder and told the doctor that it was my brother.

Doctor Parkinson sighed sadly and put a hand on my back, guiding me out of the obituary. He asked me if Felix and I were alright to find our own way out and I just stared at the floor, not trusting myself to speak. I stood next to Felix as he and the doctor discussed the details of the accident that had killed my family. I listened until I couldn't take any more of it. I broke free of Felix's grip and walked blindly down the halls towards the waiting room and exit. Tears blurred my vision and my breathing was ragged as I strode quickly past the myriad people blocking my path. I heard Felix call out to me worriedly, but I kept walking; I needed some air.

My lungs burned with fiery panic as I bolted through the automatic doors. I leaned against a pillar outside the hospital, light snowfall settling on my shoulders and head. Hot tears ran down my cheeks and my breath puffed white steam into the air. Felix jogged out of the hospital, striding over to me when he caught sight of me.

"Are you okay, Cry?" He asked gently, clasping his hand around my arm and pulling me around to face him. His expression was heartbreaking as his gaze alighted upon my tear stained cheeks. "Cry…" He trailed off, at a loss for words.

"I'm fine." I mumbled, voice shaking, and wiped my cheeks dry. "I just wasn't… prepared for that." I let out another shaky breath and more tears sprang to my eyes. I angrily wiped them away. Felix had let go of my arm and he now stood before me with an unusually sombre expression dancing across his features.

"I-I'm fine." I repeated, more to myself than to Felix. "It's okay… I'm f-fine…" Another sob juddered its way through my body and I hugged my shoulders, shrinking into myself, trying to disappear. Without a word Felix pulled me into a tight hug. The gesture was too much for me and the wall with which I was holding everything back collapsed. Tears streamed down my face as I clung to Felix, my body shaking violently with every agonised breath. I wasn't sure how long we stood like for, but eventually my sobs quietened and my body stilled. Felix's cheek lay on my head and my face was buried in the crook of his neck. He lightly traced little circles on my shoulder with his palm, shushing me gently.

"It's not okay, Cry." He murmured softly. "But it will be in time… I'll be here in the meantime." Those last six words fell upon deaf ears as I once again succumbed to the tidal wave of pain locked within me. A single tear ran down Felix's face as he held my shaking body outside the hospital's entrance.

**End Flashback.**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Author's Note**_

_I'm starting up this story again! Yeah :p I'm sure some of you noticed I edited the shit out of the last two chapters, though if you haven't read them yet I'd recommend it. I changed up a few things._

_I'll be working on this and A PewDieCry Fanfiction pretty consistently from now on. I dropped out of school, so I don't have any commitments right now. I'm job searching, however so I don't know how long I'll have so much time on my hands. In any case, much of my free time will be devoted to writing now! So yay, more uploads._

_Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter bros. Love you._

A sea of sombre faces brushes past me offering monotonous pity and condolences as the hearses were carried into the church.

"…oh, you poor dear…"

"…if you ever need anything…"

"…don't hesitate…"

"…call me any time…"

"…so sorry…"

"…such a terrible loss…"

I ignored all of them. There was nothing any of them could say to make this better, and the repetitive phrases just grated on my already raw nerves. I followed the throng of people and found my place in the front pew. Felix took a seat on my left and after a few minutes Allie's sister, Chloe sat on my right. She refused to make eye contact with me, though I could see her eyes were red and puffy from her profile. I tried to open my mouth and say something, anything. But I couldn't find words. I knew she blamed me for Allie's death… I clasped my hands in my lap and stared at a point of the floorboards in front of me, not feeling strong enough to face her anger and sorrow. Felix noticed my despondency and laid a hand over mine. I didn't look up, but I slipped a thumb over one of his fingers to let him know I appreciated the gesture.

Once everyone had filed in and found a seat, the priest began the service.

"Good afternoon and welcome everyone. On behalf of the deceased's loved ones I thank you for your presence and valued support here today as we gather to celebrate the lives of Alice Delroy, and Margaret and Corey Terry." My eyes flicked towards Chloe as she stifled a cry with her handkerchief. "First of all let me introduce myself, I am Christophe Martin**,** a Catholic Priest and it is my privilege to have been asked to lead this ceremony through which we will focus on and celebrate the years of life the dearly departed experienced in a manner very much as they would have planned it. In doing so it is hoped to provide some comfort to those of you most affected by their passing. I know it will be with heavy hearts that you have made your way here from far and wide to pay your last respects. It demonstrates the esteemed regard in which you all held these people. I know there are some who, for circumstances beyond their control, could not make it today but I am sure they will be thinking of you all at this difficult time.

"When I say we are here to celebrate their lives, you may find it difficult to contemplate celebration when many of you will still be struggling to come to terms with the pain of your loss. Loss raises all manner of questions and emotions - most of all a sense of injustice for such vibrant, valuable lives cut so short by such a tragic accident. I have learned that Alice, Margaret and Corey perished suddenly and dramatically, and many of you did not even hear about their deaths until up to a few days later. Celebration of their lives is therefore vitally important, for little to none of you would have had a chance to say goodbye. That said, we all know we cannot change what has happened to them but it is possible, in time, to accept and embrace the fragility of this life we all live. We can learn to make the most of our time so that no matter what lies ahead we can strive to make a difference to the world and those we live among.

"Ryan has asked me to say that you are all invited to join him for refreshments after this service at The Lanherne where you can share your memories of the departed and raise a glass or two.

"This ceremony today has been prepared with the valued help of the three's friends and family with the emphasis very much on the positive memories of their lives. When I visited Alice's family home last week I was immediately struck by the little plaque on the wall by the front door which simply said 'As a well spent day brings happy sleep, a well spent life brings happy death.' The significance of this little quote far exceeds its length; it asks us not to mourn the deaths of the departed, instead we should celebrate their lives, however short. We will share in a moment a short reading before we hear some tributes to the three deceased from many sources and a moving eulogy written and delivered by Ryan. Alice's niece Paula will read a poem. Alice's sister will give a small speech, and Margaret's father will say a few words before the words of committal and some thoughts for the future as we conclude.

"I would like to read for you now a favourite piece of Margaret's, given to me by Ryan:

_When I am dead, my dearest,_

_Sing no sad songs for me;_

_Plant thou no roses at my head,_

_Nor shady cypress tree:_

_Be the green grass above me_

_With showers and dewdrops wet;_

_And if thou wilt, remember,_

_And if thou wilt, forget._

_I shall not see the shadows,_

_I shall not feel the rain;_

_I shall not hear the nightingale_

_Sing on, as if in pain:_

_And dreaming through the twilight_

_That doth not rise not set,_

_Haply I may remember,_

_And haply may forget._

"She never wanted anyone to mourn her or spend too much money on her after she died, and Alice shared that belief. That is why they elected not to spend an extravagant amount of money of their funeral. And now we'll hear Ryan give his eulogy." Christophe stepped away from the podium at the front of the room as I rose and ascended the stairs towards him. We both paused when we crossed paths and he shook my hand and nodded, a gesture that meant so much more than anything the well-wishers and fellow mourners had offered. I accepted his handshake and tried to give him a smile, though my success was limited. I paused beside the podium to look at the coffins arranged behind it. They were set up in a semi-circle and they each had flowers heaped upon them in beautiful bouquets. I was glad it wasn't an open casket. I sighed sadly and turned to face the church full of people, pulling some folded sheets from my suit coat pocket. I smoothed out the sheet on the podium in front of me and cleared my throat before beginning.

"There are days when the world buckles under the sun, trees blacken to thin wisps and the air grows heavy with the dark smog of despair." I paused to let my words sink in. "We have so much love for the people that are closest to us, and when they are taken away that love lives on with no place to go. Direct that love to those who need it most; the people suffering the loss of three brilliant minds and kind hearts alongside you. My mother always told me that death is not the end, and that one day we will meet again. In paradise or whatever else may lie beyond, we will meet again. I hold onto the hope that this is true, and it has helped me get through the last two and a half weeks.

"Today was supposed to be the date of Allie and my engagement party…" I trailed off for a moment, struggling to hold back the tears welling up in my eyes. I coughed in an attempt to clear the lump in my throat and continued. "I guess I'll start with Allie… Allie was, and is, the most beautiful person I've ever had the honour to meet. Inside and out she was just…" My words caught in my throat and a quiet sob escaped my lips. "She was just perfect. As I'm sure all of you know she had a smile that could light up a room and everyone who met her was instantly drawn in by her cheerfulness and aggressively positive outlook on life." There was a smattering of sad laughter and a few tears ran down my face. When I spoke again my voice was shaking. "Again, as you all know… I love Allie with every fibre of my being, and losing her like this… it's like losing a limb. But I'll do everything I can to stick to what she believed in and try to dwell on the happy memories we shared, rather than her death.

"Allie and I went camping with Felix and Ken last summer." I smiled to myself, though it quickly gave way to more tears. "The whole trip was a disaster from the start. No one brought any ice for the drinks so we had to drink warm beer. Then Allie and I were trying to setup our tent and she tripped over one of the tents poles and somehow tore a giant hole in the material, so we had to join Felix and Ken in their little two man tent. I'm sure you can imagine how that would've gone down." There was more laughter as people imagined the four of us all crammed into such a tiny space. "On the first night we realised Felix had forgotten to bring any lighters or matches-"

"Hey, that was _your_ job!" Felix protested, cutting me off.

"Whatever, bro." I chuckled, my mood lifting a little. "He forgot anything we could use to light a fire, so we all huddled up in blankets and gathered around a little electric lantern in the middle of the woods." I stopped for a moment and looked down at the paper in front of me and trying to keep my bearings. "Allie was so clumsy that she knocked over the only intact tent while she was getting ready for bed. None of us wanted to set it back up at one A.M so we just huddled up together under the stars." The happiness of the memory turned into melancholy as my story ended. "We had so much fun that weekend despite all the disasters… It was wonderful. Every moment with her was." My voice broke at the last word and my shoulders started to quake. Tears ran down my face in spite of my best efforts to compose myself, and it was several minutes before I could continue. Multiple people were crying in the crowd.

"My mother was the same… so was my brother-" As soon as my mind turned to my little brother I totally lost it. My voice got stuck in throat and my hands began to shake uncontrollably. I was trying so hard to hold back the sobs threatening to rack my body that it was making me feel nauseous. I choked out a few more words, but it was barely thirty seconds before Felix was jogging up the stairs towards me. He put a hand on my shoulder, leaning in close to whisper to me.

"It's alright, bro." He murmured. "No one expects you to be strong through this." My bottom lip quivered and I looked up at my friend, my heart aching. "Let me finish your speech for you." After a moment's hesitation I nodded; I didn't trust myself to speak. I descended the stairs and sat back down next to Chloe. Ken scooted over into Felix's seat and smiled at me. I couldn't help but shoot him a weak smile back.

My smile quickly faded as Felix continued my speech.

"Ryan was always very close with his family. He took it upon himself when his father left when he was fourteen and became man of the house. He always looked after his mother and brother, and he never put anyone before them. They meant the world to him…" Felix was starting to get emotional, and silent tears streamed down my face as I listened to him speak.

I zoned out halfway through the speech, only coming back to reality when Ken moved back over and Felix sat down beside me.

"How are you feeling, Cry?" He asked gently. I lifted my face out of my hands and straightened up.

"I'll be okay." I murmured. I didn't even believe me. Felix didn't question me though, he simply put an arm around my shoulders and looked back up at the podium. Someone had put a step ladder in front of it, and Chloe's daughter Paula was standing on it, ready to read out her poem. She'd written it herself, and the love she had for all of my family was heartbreaking. In the last couple of lines she addressed me, saying that I'd always be her favourite – and only – uncle.

Chloe told a story from a couple of Christmases ago when our families had spent the holidays together. It had been an amazing holiday. My mum had gotten absolutely hammered on red wine and ended up passing on the Christmas tree in the living room. I'd thrown Allie into the pool – luckily it was heated – and she pulled me in after her. Almost everyone had followed us in after that.

It was a great night.

The next morning the kids all got up at about seven A.M and rushed out to the tree to see my mum snoring away on top of the tinsel and decorations. She had the worst hangover when she finally woke up. Corey had taken it upon himself to be as loud as he possibly could be. You know, just to make it easier on her. The memory made my heart constrict with pain; I wished I could have just one more Christmas like that. I knew that would never happen though.

Allie's father got up next. He talked about how much he loved me and Allie, and how he never expected to outlive any of his children. He spoke about Corey's energy and great sense of humour; he inherited it from my mum. He talked about how mum accepted Allie as part of our family from day one, and that she often told him that we'd get married one day. That brought on a whole new wave of tears.

…

…

I stood at the entrance of the church as everyone left. I accepted handshake after hug from distant relatives to close friends. I accepted them all with a grim nod and a thank you. Chloe stopped in front of me on her way out. She looked into my eyes for a few moments, her expression full of regret before following her father outside. Once everyone had left Felix took my arm and led me back to the car.

It was time go to the cemetery and say my final goodbyes…


	4. Something I have to say

_**Author's Note**_

_First of all I'd just like say a giant __**THANK YOU**__ to fridaynightfights for your amazing comment! I was feeling so self-conscious about the way I handled the last chapter and having you say that just made my day._

_Secondly I'd like to talk to you all about something that I've been finding very difficult to deal with lately. If you don't want to hear it I'll highlight anything important in bold, but if you do read this then thank you._

_As I'm sure most, if not all, of you know that __**I'm transgender**__ (ftm). What many of you don't know is that I haven't begun my transition yet. I've been going through some pretty intense therapy however to determine whether I'm really trans or it's something my subconscious mind is doing in an effort to solve all of my issues. And trust me, there are many. Anyway, what my therapist is finding is that I'm indeed a very troubled young person and she's been delving really deep into all my problems._

_**And the deeper we go**__**the less convinced I've felt about truly being trans. **__What we think has happened is I've always identified with the opposite sex because I'm a highly empathetic person, and can put myself into anyone's shoes. I never had a really strong sense of "girl things" and "boy things", and to this day I'm interested in a lot of "guy" things. I'm also a major tomboy and have been for my whole life. Many events from early adolescence onwards have contributed to this do-all-fix-all ideal that becoming a guy will solve all my problems. _

_Obviously it will not._

_I've more or less come to the conclusion that I feel more comfortable as a girl now that I'm working through all of this shit going on in my head. __**So I'm going to change my pen name to a more girly nickname of sorts, so don't be alarmed when my name is no longer TomFlemming. **__I don't know what it'll be yet, but yeah… be warned and stuff. For the record, my real name is Caitlin Marie._

_**This doesn't change me at all, really. Nor does it change anything to do with my stories. I just wanted to share this with you all because I feel like you guys deserve to know, and I want to connect with you guys on a more personal level at times.**_

_**I'm in the process of writing the next chapter, and it should be up within the next couple of days.**_

_**I love you guys. Bye.**_


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